Fourteen stone in a day!!!! as the gloriously rotund Peter Kay often says.  Pure fantasy and for comedy value only of course but a line that pops into my head every time I read the front of women’s magazines.

A case in point; Mahalia Barnes, (don’t worry, I barely know who she is either) has apparently ‘dropped’ nine kilos in 10 weeks.  Quite apart from the fact that I found that story online underneath one entitled “Steve Tyler’s Deformed Foot”, it is singularly astonishing, annoying and aggravating, and any other ‘a’ that you can think of, that the media persist in using such misguided and unnecessary terminology.  If there is some half decent advice in that article then I’ll read on, but it’s unlikely when the title tells me already that this is not exactly a serious or informative piece and is merely about shock value and unattainable goals.  For similar reasons, I stopped watching Australia’s Biggest Loser when they no longer included the Friday night specials that were all about healthy eating and good food preparation with Janella Purcell. I thought it was THE most useful segment they ever broadcast on that series, something easily achievable that everyone could apply to their lives no matter what shape they were in, and yet she was ‘dropped’ ……like so much extra poundage apparently. To be frank, I’m a little over it already and we’ve only very recently hopped on-board this years ‘New Resolution’ roundabout.  I don’t actually believe that it’s plausible to ‘simply drop’ kilos without a valid reason, unless of course there is a serious underlying illness or condition that a doctor should check out a.s.a.p.  I may drop my mobile phone occasionally, but I don’t for one minute believe that I can ‘drop’ any kilos as casually and accidentally and neither should you.

The reality, as I’m sure you already know without me prattling on about it, is that it takes sheer hard bloody work, so what these magazines should really be saying is: “(insert z list minor celebrity of your choice here)…..worked off 15 kilos and 10% body fat with 12 weeks of clean eating and intense and regular cardio exercise etc”.  But of course they don’t, and to be commercially viable they really can’t afford to.  And therein lies the great paradox; even though we are all intelligent, knowledgeable and Google-searched ‘almost-experts’ on what it really takes to lose weight and shape up, we still can’t help but be tempted by a celebrity we’ve never heard of, who is allegedly revealing their quick and easy secret to weight loss.  We’re just not that excited about reading how much hard work it will take are we?

• Fact: There are no secrets; it’s not bloody rocket science.

Though we might sneer at the latest celebrity fad diet or amazing weight loss story, they are actually human beings too believe it or not, and whilst they might have access to more free time, personal trainers and lipo-suckers, if they really want long lasting fitness, health and vitality, they are going to have to slog it out just like us common people who use the pavements in our local neighborhoods to run on, lift small children or cans of beans to pump our biceps or burn it up on the dance floor with a group of equally energetic, and choreographically deluded girl friends. I’d love to know how many kilos have been shed off the back of Gangnam Style.  But honestly, do you really envy anyone in the public eye these days who is watched like a hawk for signs of the merest bulge or blip with a zoom lens the size of the Eiffel Tower? Didn’t think so.

So, my own personal goal is to try and lose just 5 kilos by my daughter’s wedding on April 13 (yeah yeah, 13th and 2013? What ARE they thinking? Just look what happened when we had the baby shower on April Fool’s day….five weeks before my Grandson was actually due…..tempting fate?!), and with my non-religious annual Lent just around the corner I should at least be cutting out chocolate, cake and biscuits soon.  I’m back to biking, though not running as yet, and mulling over joining yoga or ballet barre classes (though in honesty that is just a spurious reason to socialise more with some friends!) and stop that sniggering at the back, Nanna Prawn will not be wearing a tutu anytime soon.  Generally though I’m going to have to WORK hard at reaching my goal weight and be boringly consistent to achieve results.  So next time you see a ‘success story’ like this one;

Mel’s Story

be very mindful of the fact that this real ‘non-celebrity’ person worked insanely hard to ‘drop’ those kilos, and with some covert surveillance on my part I can confirm that the post transformation maintenance does not include any weird or unusual behaviour when ordering a meal in a restaurant, but that she does admittedly still do a heck of a lot of exercise and makes very sensible food choices.  If I had half of her determination and the funds to sign up for a Pure and Lean challenge I’d do it, but I’m at least honest enough to acknowledge that I could not put my money where my mouth is and do what is really, absolutely necessary, when I know more about the reality of the work bit and don’t believe in the drop myth.  You just have to really, really want this end result to achieve it………though I have to say that even way back in 2009, I think we were all, already, winners: