Having recently acquired a new and improved and very portable ASUS laptop (insert shameless plug in hope of freebies) I have also been dragged into the new and allegedly improved main frame Windows 8 screen. So far so good, though I was horrified to discover during the first week that my personal messages were auto set to display at random the moment I powered up the screen. This is a potential ticking time bomb given that I’m using this laptop for my Honours Degree and could be sat next to just about anyone when the monitor flashes all my personal garbage for the whole world to see. As I am unable to adjust my own personality settings and curtail who I bitch about, (and to), I wisely flicked that particular source of embarrassment to ‘hidden’, where it belongs.
Imagine then my horror whilst window shopping (see what I did there?) the Windows Store for alternative Solitaire themes (and what of it? That’s how exciting my life gets sometimes) and I saw this:
What in the name of sanity is a ‘Woman’s Calendar”?
I crossed my fingers in the very real hope that in 2013 this might actually be something more than the lilac screen and cutsie little skinny wench was heralding, but of course, the clue is in the symbolic arrival of the butterfly. Because that’s what getting your period is like isn’t it ladies? The mere wafting of a beautiful and frail little creature on your outstretched hand, encapsulating all that is delicate and feminine……..not like you’re being kicked in the guts by a stampeding rugby team whilst simultaneously feeling like your insides are being macerated then? Just me…..again?
Yep, gone are the days when you just put a big fat red bingo dot circle on the actual factual paper calendar next to the fridge in the vain hope that your husband of 23 years, and anyone in the near vicinity of potential nuclear fallout, might finally tune in to the advanced warning system of the ‘complicated physical and emotional’ gender. Instead the big fella is currently paying much more attention to the operating manual for the new cooker, and wasting none of his leetle grey cells on the more pressing issue of what he needs to know about how I work. I’m way too complicated for a mere engineering brain to fathom apparently. And this is where I’ve been going wrong, I’m not nearly as ‘self-confident and organised’ as I could be when expecting my cycle. Silly, silly, me.
It’s as ridiculous as the ‘Bic for Her’ pen and as creepy as the moment in Kiss The Girls when you realise that the agent is a whack job because he’s been trawling the garbage to check her ‘cycle’ too. I was speechless when I came across this, well for about a minute anyway. Then I was compelled to rant, and just for the record, not that I particularly want to share it with you, but it is pertinent to the post, I AM HORMONALLY CHALLENGED RIGHT NOW. Makes you want to go Ewwwwwww!! doesn’t it? I’ve declared my bias rather than invite you into my home so you can stand next to the fridge and view my calendar, so at least we all know where I stand.
So, before you feel like stabbing your own eyes out with pastel shaded pens lets get back to the Woman Calendar. I do like how I’m being offered a personal assistant to cope with my ‘complicated’ physical and emotional changes because having had my period since I was 11 years old I feel that 32 years later it’s time I offloaded some of this shit onto someone else. However, the choice of ‘emoticons’ to track said shit may be slightly iffy and not quite applicable to me, something less generic like say:
“F*** off and leave me alone because I want to crawl into a hole and die right now….”
“Leave me alone, but not until you hand over the chocolate bar first…… then get out while you still can…..”
and, “I don’t care if it’s 35 degrees today, can’t you see I’m blue with cold and my stomach hurts, I need a hot water bottle and a lavender scented microwavable wheat pack now”!
And who exactly is this universal ‘Woman’? Is she you, is she me? Or is she, as I strongly suspect, some stupid man’s idea of ‘Woman’? (I’m using scare quotes because I think scary is more appropriate than the complicated motif when describing this particular Woman).
“This App has permission to use your Internet connection” And WHY pray tell?!! Look, I totally understand that this is a tool that could be extremely useful as an aid for those with fertility issues, but just what sort of internet access would you want associated with it? Does that mean we’re going to see automatic updates on ‘Woman’s’ Facebook status every time she’s cranky? Is ‘Woman’ herself going to be extremely cranky when Google pulls a load of feminine hygiene adverts into her sidebars…..so to speak? Don’t the highways and byways of the internet already have too much of our personal detritus strewn along it? And I really take issue with ‘refined design’, it is not. It belongs in the archives of condescending 1980’s feminine issues clap trap. I’m just surprised that there isn’t the option of scheduling a Cadburys Milk Tray man to burst ninja style into your bedroom with chocolate when you most need it – because then I’d be downloading quicker than you can say “oh no it’s not that time of the month again already is it?”
And all because what this particular Lady loves is chocolate and enigmatic calling cards rather than inappropriate demands for sex when she’s feeling cranky and pre-menstrual. Now THAT is a man that checked the wall calendar and decoded the def-con-1-code-red situation immediately. Hats off to you Sir and watchout for that rubber shark when you leave.
“Adjustable period and cycle length” Wait a minute, that one’s actually quite handy isn’t it? I’ll have periods that last no longer than one day once a year and do not occur on important occasions, and in particular not on my holidays please. In fact, can my personal assistant, ‘Woman Calendar’ just cancel all remaining cycle appointments for the rest of my life? Do you know when your PMS will occur? No? well, you can track it here just to make life even more miserable than it already is at this especially emotional time. Lucky, lucky you. There’s a link there for feedback. I’ll leave that particular ranting opportunity in your very capable hands dear bloggers, and you might want to check your horoscope whilst you’re there, but, and I’m just guessing here, whatever your star sign is we can confidently predict that you are going to be insulted by ‘Woman calendar’ at least once today. Also, expect to see the worst marketing for a female app ever, (I think we can all agree this surpasses anything Bic managed with the ‘For Her’ pen) all accompanied by your worst chocolate cravings in a month. “Colourful charts and statistics summarize your data” Oh well that makes all the difference, golly my time of the month is going to be so exciting from now on.
I’ve squished the butterfly underfoot, unravelled my hair from that dainty and annoying little bun so it’s easier to tear it all out, spilt coffee on my slouchy pants, cursed, cried, laughed, fought a chocolate craving, taken a few pain killers, tried to squeeze the zit on my 43 year old face that really should not be there at my age, felt hot, then cold, felt sad, then happy, then grouchy again……it’s complicated, and I’m wondering if I’m pre-menopausal and whether there is an app I can get for that as well?……….Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!